Couples: How to Regulate Yourself During Difficult Conversations

Sharing your life with someone means having open and honest conversations, even when those conversations are a bit difficult. But that’s easier said than done. If difficult conversations regularly turn into conflict, leave one or both partners feeling unheard, or make it difficult to resolve issues together, couples therapy and marriage counseling can provide a supportive space to strengthen communication and develop healthier ways of navigating conflict.

During hard conversations, it’s common for many people to become triggered by something their partner has said. During difficult conversations, it's common to become emotionally activated by something your partner says or does. You may notice your heart racing, your muscles tensing, or an urge to argue, shut down, or walk away. When emotions are running high, it can be much harder to listen, think clearly, and communicate effectively. And this is when things can get ugly. Because it’s fairly impossible to speak calmly and rationally when your entire body is in survival mode.

Luckily there are things we can do during difficult conversations to regulate our emotional responses and keep ourselves calm and level-headed.

Pause and Breathe

As soon as you start to feel triggered, pause and take a few slow, deep breaths. While deep breathing may seem like a cliche, it is actually a very powerful tool that helps us get out of “fight or flight” mode and into a more relaxed state. Slowing your breathing can help your body settle and give you a moment to respond more intentionally rather than reacting immediately.

Use Your Senses

Another effective way to regulate your emotions in the moment is to focus your attention on a physical sensation. You could take a sip of water and really feel the sensation of drinking, or you could run your fingers along the seam of the sofa cushion.

Listen Fully

It is so common in a conversation to listen to form a response. But when we do this it is far easier to misunderstand what the other person is really saying. Be sure to listen to understand, not to form a response.

Difficult conversations are a normal part of relationships. Learning to pause, regulate your emotions, and listen with the goal of understanding can make it easier to navigate conflict and communicate more effectively with your partner.

Contact Mood and Motion Therapy to learn more about couples counseling or schedule a consultation.

SOURCES:

https://www.hope-wellness.com/blog/hard-relationship-conversations

https://myottawatherapist.com/2021/03/04/how-to-self-regulate-during-a-difficult-conversation/

https://hbr.org/2017/12/how-to-control-your-emotions-during-a-difficult-conversation